Tonight I am headed back to Gilwell. I'm going over tonight so I can be on-site to help set up first thing Wednesday morning. Participants arrive for the start of Wood Badge on Thursday. I can't believe it's really here already!
I am feeling quite a mix of emotions, and for some reason I feel the need to write them out. Perhaps I just need to try to make sense of them all.
First, I am really, really excited. I absolutely loved my Wood Badge course two years ago. It was one of the best and most uplifting/spiritual experiences of my life. I can't explain why, but it was. So, I am excited to return to that.
At the same time, I'm pretty nervous. Going as a staff member is a little different from going as a participant. Then I didn't know what to expect. This time I do. But now I am also partly responsible for making this a fantastic experience for the participants. As a troop guide, I will be presenting several lessons to my patrol (especially the first weekend). I've spent quite a bit of time getting them ready and practicing. I think I'm prepared, but still I wonder what I'm missing. I worry that I won't teach them as well as they should be done.
In addition to the lessons, I will likely be the go-to person for my patrol for any questions about nearly everything. From the schedule, to their responsibilities, to their tickets. Possibly more I can't anticipate. I worry that I won't be able to answer everything, that I won't be the guide they will need.
I also worry about the social aspect of the course. I've never been a very social person. I don't make friends easily. I make conversation even less easily. And yet I feel as if I need to be outgoing and sociable. I need to be friendly and cheerful--everything a Scout should be. I hope I can do that. I need to let go of my inhibitions and not be afraid to have fun, to speak up, to be outgoing. But I worry that when I get in that big crowd that I'll withdraw inside myself and make a mess of things. It's happened before. There's a good chance I'll let it happen again. At the same time, I can see the possibility that this course will bring me new friends and acquaintances that I will treasure, and I look forward to that. I want that association that comes through shared interests and experiences. Like I said before, my Wood Badge course was one of the best experiences of my life, and I expect this one to be just as good.
And then I wonder if I have packed everything I need. I'm sure I'll forget something. Will it be something personal I can make do without for a few days? Will it be something for one of my lessons? What is it? I'm sure I'll be okay. I hope. At least I'm not in charge of food. That could be a disaster.
I will also miss my wife. I joked with her that I'll miss her when I have the time. I know I'll be busy and will not always be thinking about what she needs. But I also know that any quiet moments to myself will bring my thoughts around to her. And I know she will miss me. It will be especially hard for her to have me away for so long, and that pains me. I want her to have everything, but I won't be able to be there for her. But she is supportive and loving and wants me to go. I will get to see her tomorrow night for our staff dinner and beading ceremony where they will present a third bead to the staff.
I'm excited. I'm grateful for this opportunity. I'm also nervous. But, whatever happens, I'll be back at Gilwell. And that is good.
Yes, of course we miss you! I hate having you gone, but this is definitely worth the sacrifice. Every woman and child should send their husband and father to Wood Badge. It's a blessing for the whole family. I do miss you, but I'm grateful for the experience.
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